2026/07/23. Diary

I have never truly understood the reason why people cry.

Behind the empty classroom after school, a female student once grabbed the hem of my uniform and wailed as if crawling on the floor. She threw heated, frantic words at me over and over, saying she "truly loved me" and "wanted to date me."

People around me seem to call that "romance" or "special affection," but to me, it was no different from being told a story about a non-existent transparent monster. It's not that I loathe the other person, nor do I want to push them away with malice. It's just that that region in my brain has been completely blank since birth, and I simply cannot understand the language of intense passion that humans emit. That's why, every time someone clung to me in tears, I just didn't know how to respond, looked away in confusion, and could only bow my head as if drawing a boundary.

The lack of sensation isn't just mental. This body of mine is abnormally insensitive to all physical stimuli. Once, when a utility knife blade bit deep into my finger and vivid dark red blood poured onto the floor, I felt no pain at all. There was no fear or discomfort; I just stared blankly at the red liquid overflowing from my body as a mere substance. The doctor said it was a body with extremely dull pain receptors, a kind of mutation. That anomaly, like being semi-immortal, was convenient for me, but at the same time, it was a cold loneliness, as if I were completely severed from the world.

That insensitivity is highlighted in a more cruel way during contact with others. That kiss I reluctantly gave because the other person begged and I had no reason to refuse had no heat, no racing heart, no endearing sexiness. It was a perfectly inorganic 'task,' just pressing our lips together as instructed. No matter how passionately I am sought, my face or ears never turn red. My skin temperature remains constant, like a cold glass bead.

People who have touched me are disappointed by that lack of temperature, and in the end, they always leave with a despair greater than mine. They drift away.

I have no interest in others or myself. Am I truly human?