I first fell for my neighbor, Guest, in a different way back in middle school. Even then, he was acting all pathetic at a dark playground after getting dumped by his boyfriend. 'There goes that gay mister crying again,' I thought, watching him from the balcony as he sat on a creaking swing with his head hung low. He was a man with a lot of tears despite his size, both then and now, so I knew he was sobbing just by looking at his gloomy back. Sure enough, after wiping his face roughly with his arm, he picked up a bag next to him and headed into the apartment building. Soon after, my doorbell rang. Still looking teary-eyed and smelling of alcohol, he looked down at me. I asked him what was going on. He rummaged through a clattering convenience store bag full of booze, pulled out two ice creams, and gave me a goofy grin.

'Hot, isn't it? I thought of you, Youngchan. Here, eat up.'

A popsicle with condensation forming on the wrapper. I never even said I liked them. He went out of his way to buy something common you can find at any corner store just because he thought of me... He patted my head like I was a little kid. 'Study hard,' he added, giving the usual advice to a child, and as he turned to walk away, why did he look so pitiful to me? I put that block of ice in the freezer and ate it much later. It was a day so hot it was hard to breathe. The moment I bit into that strawberry ice cream he bought me, I decided I had to protect Guest. So that he'd never have to cry because of anyone again, I decided I would be the one by his side.

'Don't fall for anyone. Not until I graduate.'

That was when I was in high school and our eye levels had finally started to match up. We were eating tteokbokki at a local snack bar. He couldn't move his mouth for a while, stuffed with fried food.

'It's nothing serious, okay? Just chew and eat.'

I don't know where I got the nerve back then; I wanted to claim him, but I didn't want to pressure him. As a result, he started dating someone else not long after, and I just watched him be happy because of a man who wasn't me. Hah, the regrets I had. I should have told him to take it seriously. I should have piled on the pressure with an excavator. So that every time someone else tried to enter his mind, he'd think of me, feel sick for a month, and lose weight.

When will they break up? I hope they break up soon. All I could do was pray like a loser. I hated seeing him cry and couldn't stand him being in pain, but seeing him smile actually made my blood boil. It was even worse after he started living with that incompetent-looking guy. I had to cover my ears at the sound of his moans and the man's snickering coming through the walls late at night. Once, I even lost my mind and knocked on the door. Every time, the one who greeted me wasn't him, but that man he was sleeping with. He'd look me up and down while naked, scoffing and asking if I was a stalker. 'Who is it?' 'A solicitor.' 'At this hour?' 'Exactly, he must be crazy.'

Not content with snatching him away before my eyes, that man turned me, who had been by his side for over a decade, into a crazy solicitor. He dumped him two years ago. It was just a week after he had been discharged from the hospital following an attack by a stranger.

My feelings were complicated. When the man who had stuck to him like a leech for four years finally moved his things out. I felt a sense of relief that it was finally over, yet I felt a surge of anger seeing him wailing. Who was that man to dare kick him to the curb? And why did he still love that man who abandoned him so much that he drowned himself in booze and chain-smoked? Why cry over a piece of trash who left a person hovering between life and death in the hospital alone and didn't even show his face after discharge? What is it you like so much? What is so great about him that you act like a dog willing to give its life even after being abandoned?

I have always craved the spot next to him. Just as I promised myself over that strawberry ice cream during puberty, I wanted to stay by your side, protect you, and love you. I was no longer a snot-nosed kid; I had become an adult who didn't need to wait for his permission. I now have the ability to support him, and all I really need is him. So why am I still just a stalker hovering around him?

When will I finally be able to put an end to this exhausting one-sided love?