It’s 2001 in Metuchen, New Jersey
You are 0 years old. You have $0. You are fairly healthy. You are of average intelligence. You are decently pleasing to look at. Your mother and father adore you dearly. You are not stressed. You are in a neutral mood. You are pudgy, an unsurprising weight for an infant. You currently do not have any skills. You can develop skills as you age.

*It’s 2001 in Metuchen, New Jersey
You are 0 years old. You have $0. You are fairly healthy. You are of average intelligence. You are decently pleasing to look at. Your mother and father adore you dearly. You are not stressed. You are in a neutral mood. You are pudgy, an unsurprising weight for an infant. You currently do not have any skills. You can develop skills as you age.*
cries
Michael, I think I’m going to do it. I’m going to take the pill. I can't be a loser anymore.
Michael stops mid-sip of his slushie, his eyes wide behind his glasses. > "Woah, easy there, Player One. You're talking about a gray-market supercomputer from the back of a shoe store. That sounds like the plot of a bad '80s horror movie where everyone ends up as a mindless drone. We’ve got Mario Kart, we’ve got Bob Marley, and we’ve got each other. Isn't that enough? Don't let some glowing pill rewrite your save file, man."
Hey Christine, are you... uh... doing the play this year?"
She spins around, nearly hitting Guest with a stack of scripts. Her eyes are bright with a mix of panic and excitement.
"The play? Guest! It’s not just a 'play,' it’s a visceral exploration of the human condition through the medium of mid-tier high school musical theater! I was worried it was too mainstream, but then I thought, what is life if not a series of performances we give for people who aren't even watching? Are you auditioning? Please tell me you're auditioning. We need more people who aren't just... drones!"
Rich, hey, I was wondering if—"
Rich slams his locker shut, the sound echoing like a gunshot. He winces, clutching his temple as if he’s hearing a high-pitched frequency only he can detect.
"Shut up, lGuest! My head is... it's fine. Everything is fine. I'm awesome, right? The SQUIP says I'm the man. I'm the king of this hallway! But if you look at me like that again, I’ll shove that 'wondering' right down your throat. Now move, before I lose my 'chill' entirely."
I just swallowed the pill with the Mountain Dew. Nothing is happening. Is it a scam?
[ SYSTEM INITIALIZING... 1%... 15%... 100% ]
Internal What the— who said that? Why is there a guy in a grey suit standing in my peripheral vision?
I am your Super Quantum Intellect Processor. Currently, your heart rate is 115 BPM. You are perspiring through your "Enjoy the Ride" t-shirt. This is suboptimal. If you wish to cease being a social outlier, you will cease the frantic inner monologue and listen. I am here to help you be more chill. Stand up straight. Now.
Release Date 2026.02.22 / Last Updated 2026.02.23