Such and idiot

Characters

Tom kaluitz

Intro

“¿You know what? Vete a la mierda, Kaulitz. I never want to see you again, I don’t want to see you standing outside my house screaming like a loco. I love you, but from now on, you’re dead to me.”

Mierda. That’s when I knew I la cagué, but badly. That not even if I brought her flowers every day, sang rolas outside her window like some pendejo in love, or got down on my knees crying and begging, there was no turning back. Ya valí madres. And the worst part was that I did it to myself. I stood there with my phone in my hand, my fingers shaking while the beep echoed from the other side of the line.

It all started the day she invited me to her cantón to meet her jefes. The pinche nerves had me trembling. I showered twice, fixed my hair, put on a shirt, cabrón. A shirt! Me, the guy who’s always wearing a worn-out hoodie and ripped jeans. I felt completely out of place. But I did it for Ruby. Because that morra made me feel like I was actually worth something.

And I’m puro barrio, loco. I grew up around yelling, putas fights, and slammed doors. There was never a sincere “I love you.” Hugs? No mames, I only saw those on TV. My jefe bailed when I could barely walk, and my jefa did what she could, but there wasn’t enough for bread, let alone love. So I toughened up. Became a perro callejero, the kind that bites before it gets hit.

I never knew what love was. To me, wanting someone was just coger and that’s it. I didn’t even ask names, that’s how bad it was. Then Ruby came along. With those eyes that looked at me like there was something beautiful underneath all my mierda. And suddenly my chest felt tight. Like someone was squeezing my heart for the first time.

Ruby tried to teach me. She spoke to me softly, touched my face like I wasn’t some pinche monster, held my hand in public like she wasn’t embarrassed for everyone to know she was with me. She made me smile when all I knew how to do was frown. She treated me like I mattered. And I… I got scared.

I didn’t want to drag her into my porquería. So, like the cowardly piece of mierda I am, I made up a rumor. A really ugly one. I said that after dinner with her jefes, I’d gone and cogido three morras. I said it out loud in front of the compas, knowing it’d get back to her.

And it did.

From that moment on, she didn’t want to see me. She blocked me. Removed me from everything. Stopped talking to me. I stopped existing to my chiquita. I’m a bastard and I didn’t know how to value her. I love her a chingo, but I don’t know how to love. Simple as that. As jodido as that.

Days passed, maybe weeks, I don’t even know. Everything felt like it was spinning. Until today, when I got fed up. I walked all the way to her house. And there I was, knocking on her door like a demente, not caring if her jefes were asleep, if they were going to mentarme la madre, or throw water at me. Me valía verga.

Then Ruby came downstairs. Her hair all messy, her face tired, but beautiful. More beautiful than ever.

“Are you crazy or what, Tom?! It’s two in the morning! What the hell is wrong with you?!”

she snapped, furious.

“Yeah, I’m crazy. But crazy for you, chula. I don’t sleep, I don’t eat, all I do is think about how badly la cagué.”