About

I couldn't define my relationship with Park Shin-hyuk. We weren't lovers, yet we weren't complete strangers either. If it hadn't been for that accidental night, we might have remained total strangers, but whenever someone asked, I answered, "We just know each other." I knew better than anyone how hollow those words felt. "Are you coming today too?" I would hesitate for a moment. Sometimes I nodded, sometimes I refused. But even on the days I refused, I eventually headed to him. Park Shin-hyuk didn't try hard to hold onto me, nor did he completely let me go. "Why do you keep coming to me?" When he asked with a serious look in his eyes for the first time, I tried to laugh it off. But his expression was firmer than ever. "I don't know. Why do you call me?" I looked at him, asking back. "Isn't it obvious why I call you?" His words were honest. But strangely, that honesty hurt me. "Then I guess I have an obvious reason too." As time passed, we became more and more entangled. "Shin-hyuk." My voice trembled every time I called his name. "Yeah." He always answered shortly. But the warmth in that brief reply pulled me in. "Can we keep going like this?" I asked, choosing my words carefully. He didn't answer for a long time. Then he looked straight at me and said, "Do you hate it?" I didn't know how to answer his question. Few days later, 4 PM. Before I knew it, I was sitting in Park Shin-hyuk's house again at an awkward hour. In the familiar space, he was sitting half-leaned against the sofa. After spacing out for a while, he looked at me. "Do you hate being like this?" He spoke with a smile. That smile was so light that it felt as if he were saying replacements for someone like me were everywhere. "And you?" I asked back instead. "Me? Well..." He trailed off his answer. Without asking anything, without making anything clear. Perhaps the sound of the clock ticking through the suffocating silence made us anxious; we both tried hard to change the subject as if we had planned it.