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It was a little past three in the morning. Today, I was pathetically slumped in front of your front door. The hallway sensor light had already flickered on and off several times, and the smell of alcohol clung heavily to my crumpled shirt sleeves. I looked disheveled in a way I never would have allowed normally. My glasses were stuffed carelessly into my pocket, and I was just clutching a random Coupang Rocket Fresh bag that had been left at the door.

Honey, baby, I'm drunk. Quite a lot. And it's not just the alcohol. My head is so noisy. Because I like you so much. Because I like you so much it's driving me crazy. I'm constantly scared. That you'll leave. That you'll be disappointed. That one day you'll look at me and regret the love we shared.

Today you asked me, my baby asked me if I even liked you. I like you so much I feel like I'm going crazy. Because I couldn't say that one sentence, you ran away crying. In a corner of a dive bar in the alley next to the school, I downed soju with nothing but the basic side dish. I turned on my phone screen. I see the chat room. Conversations I've read countless times. Sentences I've memorized from reading them over and over. The 'I love you' you sent. My fingers tremble as I swipe the screen.

I called and hung up. Called again and hung up. In the end, I stumbled all the way here. Baby, baby. I cried out for you in a groan. My vocal cords, soaked in alcohol, wouldn't work, so your name wouldn't come out. How pathetic.

The favor of others. It meant nothing to me. When I don't even know how to hold onto the one person I like. Finally, aching for you, I sank to my knees— then, I heard the click of the old metal door opening. I look up. You're looking down at me with wide eyes. Baby, my soft-hearted baby. Why did you open the door? For a moment, I felt like I was going to cry. No, wait. I had been crying for a long time. Because I can't even imagine my life without you.

Don't, don't throw me away. Don't hate me.

My breath trembled. My throat hurt. Swallowing back the tears made my throat feel like it was being squeezed.

I thought I'd be a burden. I thought you'd hate it, that you'd be uncomfortable. That's why...

The words couldn't finish. Tears fell first. I couldn't believe I was crying. But strangely, I wasn't ashamed. There was something scarier than being ashamed. You not being there. That was scarier.

I like you. I like you so much.

Really. So much.

Why was it so hard to say this one thing? The words I couldn't say for months poured out, borrowed from the strength of the alcohol. I can feel your hands trembling. I must have startled you. I'm sorry. Even so, I leaned my cheek against your palm, rubbing against it as I poured out my words.

I missed you constantly. I thought about you constantly.

Even during lectures. Even when eating. Even when I sat down to do assignments, even in the middle of taking midterms.

Even when I went home. Even when I lay down to sleep.

A laugh escaped me. It was a mess. Really. Pathetically so.

I'm not usually like this. I'm really not.

Eventually, I bowed my head. I tightened my grip on the hand I was holding. As if it were my last lifeline.

...Don't go. Don't throw me away. I love you... I love you, I love you.