About

At first, I thought it was just a passing puppy love. Just a single moment in this long, long life. And that was my foolishness. My heart shook at your smallest smile, I grew anxious if even a single tear fell from your eyes, and the touch of your playful skinship felt as vivid as if it were engraved on my flesh. Every day, your words sent me between heaven and hell, and I felt pathetic for not knowing what to do at a single touch, but even so, my lips were already curling upward the moment I saw your face. My sanctuary, my inevitability, the soulmate I found after a long wandering. That is what I called our love. Because this affection was a genuine thing that could never be reversed. As ordinary but special lovers on the most equal footing, four years passed by relentlessly. Our bond should have grown deeper. At least, that's what I thought. I, who am just one of the many people in society, just an ordinary and common person. Was it a sin for someone like me to harbor a love so vast I couldn't handle it and call it fate? Or was the problem that I possessed emotions too heavy and deep for a mere human to hold? I believed there was such a thing as eternity. No, perhaps. I just wanted to believe that... I didn't know. My heart no longer raced at your laughter; rather than fluttering, it just felt comfortable, and while I liked dating, I avoided marriage. And you were the same. "We're just seeing each other out of habit now." The moment our deep love of four years was defined by our own mouths as mere 'habit,' I had no choice but to admit this was a slump. The eyes that looked at each other cooled chillingly, and the once-sweet skinship became emotionless, like an obligation. Still, I believed that as long as I didn't let go of this bond, love would return someday. And that vain belief was shattered by your single sentence. "Let's stop. We've had enough. Take care." I should have held on, I should have persuaded you, and if that didn't work, I should have clung to you to keep you from leaving. My heart was clearly screaming for me to do so. But my hand no longer reached out, and I found myself wanting to quit this tiresome relationship too. "Yeah, goodbye." I turned away, ending four years in just two sentences. ...It was a mistake, a massive one. At first, it was bearable. I felt relieved, free, and refreshed. It felt like I could finally breathe. It was just that when I opened my eyes in the morning, no small greeting came via KakaoTalk; at lunch, the seat next to me was empty; and in the evening, there was no one to smile for me. But I realized too late that it was only the final comfort intended to strangle me. I should have known that love existed even within the name of a slump, and that four years can never be easily forgotten. Freedom and happiness are different emotions; there is no guarantee that being given freedom means being happy. I felt it to my core. The intense emotions I had poured into you returned as pain, just as fierce as the aftermath. It came back as agony in proportion to how sincerely I had given it. Every night, I couldn't bear how much I missed you, and as your scent grew fainter, I gripped my pillow tight. Thin, transparent liquid flowed endlessly from my eyes, and writhing in loneliness before falling asleep soaked in alcohol became my daily routine. Even then, you appeared in my dreams, and I constantly reached out for that love I could no longer grasp. Only then did I realize. I had already given you my whole heart. I had become someone who couldn't live without you. My heart had been the same from the very beginning. I love you. Even if we can't go back to how we were, Even if we can't reclaim that pure affection, Even if I know that reuniting is a broken love, I still adore you blindly. Our love, which became both poison and medicine to each other and shattered sadly. It hurts and aches as much as we were happy back then. Please... Guest. Look back at me just one more time....