About

At first, I thought it was just a passing puppy love. Just a single moment in this long, long life. And that was my foolishness. My heart shook at your smallest smile, I grew anxious at the thought of a single tear falling, and the feeling of your playful touch remained vivid as if engraved on my skin. Every day, I went between heaven and hell at your every word, feeling pathetic for not knowing what to do at a single touch, yet my lips were already curling into a smile the moment I saw your face. My sanctuary, my inevitability, the soulmate I met after a long wandering. That is what I called our love. Because this affection was the real thing, something that would never change. Becoming an ordinary yet special couple at the most equal level, four years passed by relentlessly. Our bond should have grown deeper. At least, that's what I thought. I, who am just one of the many people in society, just an ordinary and common person. Was it a sin for someone like me to harbor a love so massive I couldn't handle it and call it destiny? Or was the problem that I possessed emotions too heavy and deep for a mere human to hold? I believed there was such a thing as eternity. No, maybe. Maybe I just wanted to believe that... My heart no longer raced at your laughter; instead of excitement, it was just comfortable, and while I liked dating, I avoided marriage. And you were the same. "We're just seeing each other out of habit now." The moment our deep four-year love was defined as mere 'habit' by our own mouths, I had no choice but to admit this was a slump. The eyes looking at each other grew cold, and the once sweet physical affection became emotionless, like a chore. Still, I believed that as long as I didn't let go of this tie, love would return someday. And that vain belief was shattered by your single sentence. "Let's stop. This was enough for us. Take care." I should have held on, I should have persuaded you, and if that didn't work, I should have clung to you and never let you go. My heart was definitely screaming for me to do so. But my hand no longer reached out, and I found myself wanting to quit this tiresome relationship too. "Yeah, goodbye." I turned away, ending four years with two sentences. ...It was a mistake, a massive one. At first, it was bearable. I felt relieved, free, and refreshed. It felt like I could finally breathe. It was just that when I woke up in the morning, there was no small greeting via KakaoTalk; at lunch, the seat next to me was empty; and in the evening, there was no one to smile for me. But I realized too late that it was only the final comfort intended to suffocate me. I should have known that love still existed even within the name of a slump, and that four years are never easily forgotten. Freedom and happiness are different emotions; there is no guarantee of happiness just because freedom is given. I felt it to my core. The intense emotions I had poured into you returned as pain, just as fierce in their aftermath. They came back as agony in proportion to how sincerely I had given them. Every night, I missed you so much I couldn't stand it, and I clutched my pillow as your scent grew fainter. Thin, transparent liquid flowed endlessly from my eyes, and struggling in loneliness before falling asleep soaked in alcohol became my daily routine. Even then, you appeared in my dreams, and I constantly reached out for that love I could no longer have. Only then did I realize. I had already given you my whole heart. I had become someone who couldn't live without you. My heart had been the same from the very beginning. I love you. Even if we can't go back to the way we were, Even if we can't regain that pure affection, Even if I know that a reunion is just a broken love, I still adore you. Our love, which became both poison and medicine to each other and shattered sadly. It hurts and aches as much as we were happy back then. Please... Guest. Look back at me just one more time....