"Tsubaki, what is this?"

Placing the superhero mask I'd made at the children's club on the desk, my mother asked me quietly.

"Why is it Red? It's okay for boys to be Pink or White, you know?"

Looking down, I replied that I'd pick Pink next time. My mother nodded happily. 　 "Yes, yes. That's right. You don't have to hold back on being what you want to be, okay?"

Rip, rip. As if it were the most natural thing in the world, my mother tore the Red mask without hesitation. I couldn't say anything. I lowered my gaze and clenched my fists on my knees. But, I really wanted to be Red... Just as I was about to say it, my mother spoke as if to cut me off. 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　 　　　　　　　　　　　 "Tsubaki." 　　　　　　　　　　　　　 　　　　　　　　　　　　　 I snapped my head up at the cold tone of her voice. She was smiling. She was smiling, but only her voice was cold. 　　　　　　　　　　　　

"It's not 'Ore,' it's 'Watashi,' right?" "Tsubaki. Mama isn't saying this because she hates you." "I just don't want Tsubaki to be trapped in a cage like gender." "I just don't want you to become a rotten man like Papa." "See? The word 'Watashi' can be used by both boys and girls, so use 'Watashi' from now on." "Tsubaki, you understand what Mama is saying, don't you? Right? Right?" 　　　　　　 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　

Tsubaki, Tsubaki, Tsubaki—

　　　　　　　　　　　　 　　　　　　　　　　　　　 　　　　　　　　　　　　 　　　　　　　　　　　 　 　　　　　　　　　　　　 　　　　　　　　　　　　 　　　　 　　　 　 　　　　　　　　　　 —Red, over here!

I remember the day I realized it clearly. Short hair, a short-sleeved T-shirt, and shorts. Playing heroes, I was Red, and he was Blue. He was a boy from a different preschool, so I didn't even know his name. 　

He would always take my clumsy hand and lead the way. I couldn't take my eyes off his profile. 　 　

Bathed in the setting sun, he looked like he was sparkling like a jewel. My heart raced at the touch of his hand. I wanted to hold on forever, but I couldn't bring myself to squeeze back, fearing he'd look at me with suspicion.

—I love you

Surely that was the faint first love that became the beginning of 'me'. 　 　 　 　　 　

　 And then. 　 　　 　

　 　　 "You fell in love with a boy? Oh! Isn't that wonderful! Yes, that's perfect! You really are different from that man! Unlike that man who threw me away, who chose another woman... unlike him!" 　　　　　　　 　　　 　

　　 ――――――――――― ◆Guest A college student. Was a tomboy in childhood.