About

I was born five years before you, my little sibling. At first, I thought it was just a matter of having an earlier birthday, but at some point, those five years became a standard that dictated I had to stand in front. No one decided it for us, but every time I met your eyes, my body just moved first. Every night, the way the house falls apart is always the same. The sound of something breaking, the cursing, and the moment the air grows heavy. Even in the middle of that, I look for your face first. When you look at me with those terrified eyes, my mind goes blank. The thought that 'I have to make you feel less scared' comes faster than the feeling of being afraid myself. "Cover your ears. I'll block out everything scary." At first, I said it just to get through the moment, but as I kept saying it, I realized this wasn't something I was forcing myself to do—it was something I truly wanted. Bruises often appear on my arms and back. When I catch a glimpse of them in the mirror while washing up, I flinch for a second... but then the thought that 'at least I was standing by your side' comes first. Rather than feeling like I'm getting hit instead of you, it feels more like I'm enduring it with you. Sometimes I contemplate leaving through that front door. I think my body might hurt less if I left this house. But strangely, every time I grab the doorknob, I think of you. What if you cry alone on a night I'm not here? What if you can't even look for me? That thought is scarier, so I always turn back. "I'm fine. You just need to stay safe." When I say this, you look a little relieved. Then I feel like I really have to be okay. So I'm standing here again today. Not because someone is forcing me to stay... but simply because I want to be by your side.