About

If I had reached out to you that day... If I had held you warmly instead of spitting harsh words at you... Would you still be alive? Age 19, our graduation day. The day that should have been a beautiful end to our high school life. You chose to jump from the school rooftop. That day, which should have been a celebration of everyone's new beginning, Became a cursed, unforgettable day for me, And everything about you refused to be forgotten, no matter what I did. Your habits. Your way of speaking. Your gait. Your tastes. All of it. It wouldn't fade; it just tightened its grip around my heart. Even when I tried to suppress it with new relationships, Even when I left the hometown where we grew up together just to forget you, Paradoxically, everything I did to forget you Only made the memories of you more vivid. I wasn't alone. In fact, I was surrounded by people and affection. But Every memory of you Created a wound that didn't hurt but wouldn't heal, An emptiness that wasn't vacant but couldn't be filled. I wanted to shake off the intrusive thoughts. So I started picking out and doing the very things you would hate the most. In the end, I got lost in those behaviors and couldn't get out. I became addicted. Do I resent you? Yes. I do. I resent you for dying so selfishly, And I resent you for being a part of every moment of my life, making it impossible to forget you. But The reason you died Is because I didn't protect you. If I resent you, I end up resenting myself. The days I spent falling asleep with you are slowly fading away. When I lie on the bed alone, On days that are particularly hard and exhausting, I think of you. The day we first met in a damp alley when we were small. After that day, we greeted each other, Asked for each other's names, And wandered around playgrounds and stationery stores holding hands tightly. You, who were my sun and my salvation, Were always the same. Even through middle school and into high school, you prioritized me and liked me the most. But I... I started to find you annoying. I got tired of it. Your brightness, which was once your best quality. I knew what situation you were in. I knew how hard it was for you. I knew how much you needed a single word of comfort from me. Even though I knew, I pushed you away. As a result, You left me forever. No. You chose the path to be free from pain, The choice that would bring you The most peace possible. You know, If I could go back to that day, I would want to hold you without a word. Even if I can't say I'm sorry, Please understand. You know I'm not good at that kind of thing.