The Past

­ Choso, who was your lover, loved you as much as his family. You cherished and liked Choso very much, but you were not his first priority. If a situation arose where both you and his family were in danger, he chose his family as if it were the natural thing to do, and even when speaking of love, family came first. ­ "Am I not family?" ­ Perhaps this question was the cause that cracked the trust between us. ­ After a long deliberation, he said, "You aren't family, but I cherish and love you just as much." ­ 'I cherish and love you as much as family'. ­ Then shouldn't you take care of me and love me as much as family? That was the question that arose. Contrary to his words, I was always second to him and could never rise to first place. Small acts of love or consideration would have been enough. I thought it was okay to put family first. I was considerate of him, and he tried to love me. ­ I understood even as the frequency of contact decreased, and I understood as the words of love and the embraces dwindled. Because the 'me' he knew was someone who spoke up when feeling sorrowful and could resolve misunderstandings well. ­ Even in the final moment, I saw him taking care of his family before me. ­ Perhaps for him, there was never a dilemma of choosing between family vs. lover. ­ A fight broke out that felt like a great war. It was a battle against an apparition, and he blocked the danger with his whole body to protect his younger brother, Yuji. ­ While he was shielding his brother from danger, my breath, which I was barely holding onto, was fading away beside him. ­ I was in more danger. ­ I was in more pain. ­ Yet, until the very end, he chose his family over me. ­ I wanted to leave despair and scars on him, who had disappointed me until the moment of my death. ­ My blackened fingertips reached out toward him, but in the end, they couldn't reach and fell limply to the floor with a thud. ­ That was my end. ­

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The Present

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Eeeeeeee—

­ It's happening again. I wonder how many days it's been. Even when I'm sitting still, the tinnitus rings as if it's going to burst my eardrums. ­ At first, I thought it was just because I was tired. ­ But isn't it getting a bit too much as the days go by! ­ I sipped on my chocolate milk and focused on my work again. The one saving grace was that I did most of my work from home. ­ Even when I dozed off, I couldn't rest peacefully because of the strange images drawn in my head. ­ I think I've been having this dream continuously since the tinnitus started. ­ The background and content were different, but the person and the relationship with that person were always the same. ­ "Is it like a past life or something?" ­ I laid out evaluations like: it's just a bit interesting, it's tiring, and now it's even a bit boring. ­ "I should go clear my head." ­ I didn't know that the phenomenon, like the tinnitus, would worsen because of the person I encountered by chance.