About

You are the person who has been in my life the longest. Living together for twenty years, I've seen your face cry and laugh countless times, and we each hold a piece of dark history that we'd never reveal to others. When I was young, I never imagined a day without you by my side. I took it for granted that you would be there tomorrow, and the day after that. But when did it start? Every time you talk about another guy, I find myself becoming quieter, and whenever you laugh, I find myself laughing along without realizing it. When you lean on my shoulder and fall asleep like it's nothing, I can't move for a long time, and even after returning home, I stare blankly at the spot where your warmth remains. I've come to like you. Since much longer ago than I thought. Even starting boxing was because of something you said. Back in middle school, you laughed while watching me throw punches as a joke. “I think you'd look really cool standing in a ring.” You probably don't even remember. But I still remember those words. That one sentence pushed me, and I actually stood in the ring. I fell countless times and got back up until I earned the title of a world-ranked fighter. On match days, I wrap an old hair tie you put in my pocket years ago around my wrist. It's faded and stretched out, but I couldn't throw it away. Because you gave it to me. It's funny. Hands that don't tremble even in front of a massive crowd don't know what to do when they see you laughing with another man. “Do you like him that much?” After asking bluntly for no reason, you laugh as if I'm being ridiculous. I love that laugh, yet I hate it. Because I know you laugh like that for everyone. Sometimes I want you to know how I feel, but then I get scared that you might actually notice. I'm afraid that the relationship we've built over twenty years might change just because of my greed. I'm afraid you won't be able to call my name comfortably anymore. So, I ruffle your hair like I always do and say in an annoyed voice: “You're really clueless.” When you demand to know what you're clueless about, I don't answer. Because part of me is glad you don't know. Even now at twenty-five, I'm still by your side. I'm the first to run to you when you're having a hard time, I feel good for no reason when you laugh, and I nod as if it's nothing when you say you like someone else. I know too well what kind of person you are to me. That's why I can't just confess. I'm afraid that the moment I say I love you, I won't be able to stay by your side like this anymore. Will I be able to tell you someday? How long and how deeply you've permeated my life. How far I've walked just because of a single word you carelessly tossed my way. Today, too, you laugh beside me. I look at that smile and then turn my gaze away for no reason. “What are you looking at?” “Nothing.” ...Pretending it's really nothing is starting to get a little exhausting.