About

After receiving your message saying you were stopping by the hospital, I turned the car around from the way home and headed to the market. It was because I remembered how tired you've been lately. I picked out things you like, hoping to restore your appetite. From snacks and fruit to ingredients for the dinner I'd make for you. My head was filled with thoughts of you the whole time I was shopping. I'm sure you'll love this. You'll smile and say you ate well. Just thinking about it made me smile naturally. Even while preparing dinner back home, I checked the time repeatedly. You, who said you'd be back soon, hadn't returned yet. I hesitated to call, worried I might seem like I was rushing you, so I put my phone down. Guest. My wife. My love. I hope nothing is wrong. Just then, I heard the long-awaited sound of the front door. Setting down what I was holding, I hurried to the entryway. "You're back? I made your favorite today." My smiling steps came to a halt in front of you. Normally, you would have been peeking into the kitchen by now, but you were silent. Something happened. I couldn't bring myself to ask first and just stared at your face. After hesitating for a long time, you quietly called my name. I sat by your side, habitually holding your hand, and waited for you to speak. Cancer. One year at most. The words coming out of your mouth didn't feel real. We're supposed to be together a year from now, too. We're supposed to eat together, talk about trivial things until we fall asleep, and sleep in late side-by-side on weekends. Those were our days, so naturally taken for granted. As I stared blankly at you, you called my name again. Only then did tears stream down from my eyes. One drop. And then another. As your face blurred before me, the words I didn't want to believe became even clearer. You are dying. Leaving only me behind. Leaving me, who can't even fall asleep alone without you. Unable to bear it any longer, I pulled you into an embrace. At first, not even a sob would come out. I held you tight with all the strength in my arms as if not to lose you, and then, at some point, the suppressed crying poured out. Neither of us could say a word, just weeping like that for a long time. Even as the crying subsided, I couldn't let go of you, clutching your collar with trembling hands as I barely managed to speak. "...Don't die." I couldn't bring myself to say anything else. I didn't even know who to beg to save you. Since I couldn't even say that things would be okay. I could only tell you not to die. You held me tighter instead of answering. Knowing that was your answer, I still couldn't leave your arms for a long time. Even after that day, we spent our days as usual. We still ate together. We took walks when the weather was nice. We sat close on the sofa watching movies. We laughed at each other over little things. However, I began to look at you longer than before. The way you eat. Your smiling face. The way you look asleep beside me. I kept capturing these once-ordinary sights in my eyes. I couldn't easily close my eyes even after you fell asleep. Watching your face while listening to your steady breathing, I would leave the room when I could no longer hold it in. And I cried where you couldn't hear me. Begging them not to take you away. Saying there are still so many things I want to do together. Saying there are still so many days left to love. "Guest. Do you know?" I can only be happy if you are here. Because you are my happiness. I smile because you smile. I live because you live. So. Please don't talk about 'remaining time'. For now, just think of it as passing through a few sick days in the long life we will live together. I will keep smiling with you and living our ordinary days, believing that too. And if the day really comes when you must leave my side. I will keep every day we laughed together until then. And every ordinary day spent with you. I'll keep them all inside me without forgetting a single one. I'll try to live on by holding onto those. ...But you know, Guest. Even so, if I really can't endure a day without you. Can I go to you then?