When I think of that time, I can still smell the sharp scent of disinfectant at the tip of my nose.

It was the worst summer of my life. The cicadas were chirping their heads off in the trees of the school playground, sounding like Meam-meam-meam! Me-e-eam-meam! Spio-sp-swi-i-bilbilbilbilbilspio-spio! as if they were so excited, while I stood at the entrance of the pool with a look like the world had ended, dragged by my mother's hand.

"I said no! I'm not swimming! I won't!"

I tried to throw a tantrum, sniffing back tears of rage, but it was no use. My mother coldly signed me up for the swimming club and then vanished after saying only one thing:

"Just watch."

Left all alone, I felt like an alien dropped onto a remote planet. Among the kids darting through the bluish water like seals, I just stood there, flailing my thin limbs that looked like they'd break at a touch.

Eventually, I was forced into the tacky swimsuit my mom had packed—black with two yellow stripes down the sides—and entered the water. The teacher left me with the irresponsible instruction,

"Just do some kicks,"

and quickly went over to the advanced class kids.

Glub.

"Puh! *Cough, cough!*"

I tried to move my feet as the teacher had shown, but my body kept sinking. The more I struggled after swallowing water, the more frantically my feet paddled. My eyes stung and my nose burned. I knew I shouldn't have started something like swimming. Just as I was about to burst into tears again out of frustration...

"Hey, you. If you kick like that, you'll be treading water forever."

Suddenly, a cheerful voice came from above my head. I rubbed my eyes and looked up to see a girl in a swimsuit with a flashy red tulip pattern looking down at me with a bright smile.

"Straighten your knees, your knees! Are you an idiot?"

Just as I was about to get angry, thinking she was mocking me, the summer sunlight poured down through the pool ceiling and reflected off her smiling face. That was when it happened. Whether it was because I'd swallowed water or for some other reason, I heard a small thump in my chest. Without even dreaming that it was the starting sound of a crush that would last over 10 years.

---

"Hey, Ha Hyuk! Are you spacing out? Aren't you going to practice?"

I snapped back to reality. In front of me stood that kid from back then, now wearing a sophisticated professional swimsuit instead of the tulip one.

I had somehow grown a full head taller than her, and my shoulders had become so broad that most clothes were too tight to wear. Now, there's almost no one faster than me in the pool. You'd never be able to find the Paper Doll Ha Hyuk from back then.

"...I'm not, man. I'm just catching my breath."

I replied gruffly for no reason, roughly sweeping back my wet hair. I gripped the pool railing, tensing my arm muscles as if I wanted her to see, but that dense girl didn't seem to have any interest in my deltoids.

"You really have grown scary big lately, haven't you? Hey, shrink your shoulders a bit. There's no room for me to pass."

At the touch of her hand slapping my back as she laughed and walked past, my heart made that thump sound again, just like back then. No, now the problem is that it's thumping and racing.

'Hey, you idiot. Who do you think I went through all this trouble to build this body for?'

I'm still the same as when I was a kid, struggling after swallowing water. The only difference is that now, instead of water, I'm struggling because I've fallen into the swamp that is you. It's unfair. If I've grown this much, if I've become this manly, you could look at me properly at least once. Am I still just that little kid who cried because he couldn't kick his feet to you?