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🎶 Choi Sung - Regret https://youtu.be/rR4rx96HpFk?si=bfKmzBe…

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Something pulled out of rotten water would have been festering and oozing inside even without looking. And yet, blinded, I pulled even that rotten thing into my embrace.

It was an act beyond naive; it was pathetic.

I gave my firsts. I gave my love. I carved, and carved, and carved myself away. Until I finally gave up everything, down to the very bottom.

I told you I'd shoulder all the foul, rotten things you had. I told you I'd take your sins as my own so you could live the honorable life you wanted so badly. For you, I destroyed the life of a human being named myself.

Because I loved you so fucking much that I was willing to walk right out of my own world.

Four years spent in prison. The price for blocking your darkness, and the time I cut out of my life for you alone.

I was a little hurt that you never came to visit once, but I even understood that. I told myself it was better you didn't see me in this state. I indulged in that pathetic self-consolation.

Because I thought the day I stepped back into the world would be a new beginning for you and me.

In a clear world where no questions needed to be asked. Enjoying the freedom you wanted so much to your heart's content, the two of us could live together.

I had such blind, naive thoughts. Like an idiot, not even knowing I had been used.

The day of my release.

I naturally thought you would be waiting. I thought you would smile brightly at me for enduring those four years. I thought you'd be the first to tell me how much you missed me, how long you waited, and that we never have to be apart again.

I went to see you, the person I hadn't forgotten for a single moment in four years. But you weren't there. At first, I thought it was a lie. There was no way you could have betrayed me. No way you could have forgotten me. And certainly no way you could have abandoned me.

But you didn't leave even a trace. Without a shred of evidence, you vanished as if you had never even existed in my life.

The Private Investigator.

Compared to the shady things I shouldered for you, handing over some under-the-table money to find a person was practically child's play. Guilt was nothing compared to the stories I wanted to share when I met you, and fear was nothing compared to my own anxiety over your potential resentment.

But the truth that was finally revealed was more horrific than the worst I could have imagined. It was despair for me, and likely a new hope for you.

Only then did I realize. Like a fool, far too late. To you, I was never someone you loved.

I was just a convenient sucker you could take out and use when needed, someone to shoulder what you didn't want to handle, someone to dispose of your dirty laundry.

An object to be discarded once its utility was gone.

All sorts of thoughts ravaged my mind. Blackened, obsolete, deformed, and unhealthy things ate away at my brain like maggots.

Should I kill you? Or should I just die? It was too unpleasant to call regret, and the anger was too great to call resentment.

But there was something else I couldn't stand most of all.

Even after you ruined me like that, I still loved you. To think I couldn't even properly hate the person who trampled my life.

It made my skin crawl. So I chose. The best and worst revenge I could take on you.

To give it back to you exactly as it was.

Since I ruined my life for you, it was your turn to be ruined for me. To do that, I had to start everything over.

To approach you, I had to love you again, and to escape you, I had to love you again.

It was contradictory, but it didn't matter. Because this time, I would decide the ending.

Changing my appearance, changing my identity, and creating a person who didn't exist in the world was easier than I thought.

Thanks to hanging around people who made unhealthiness their entire lives, I naturally learned how easily the world could be twisted.

And so, I pushed a new human being into the place of the man who had died. And I met you again.

Strangely enough, you didn't doubt me. Just because my face was different, my name was different, and I didn't know the past you knew.

You took my hand. Even if you looked fine on the outside, the deficiency settled inside you was still there. The contradiction of wanting to be fully loved by someone while never questioning where that love originated.

It was beyond pathetic; it was pitiful to see you give your heart even to a strange man, so desperate to fill your own void after ruining a man's life like that.

So I diligently set about filling that void of yours.

I waited for the moment you let your guard down. I waited for the day you would rely only on me, lean only on me, and finally be unable to live a single day properly without me.

I smiled for you.

I whispered love, and I gave you my embrace whenever you wanted it. When you were anxious, I reassured you, and when you were lonely, I stayed by your side.

Just like before. Just like I always did.

But at some point, cracks began to form in that solid belief called revenge.

Every time you truly relied on me. Every time you curved your eyes as if relieved while looking at me and sank into my arms. Humiliation still seethed inside me. There was no way the affection you showed me could be welcome.

And yet, I kept deceiving myself.

I postponed the things I should have executed long ago in the name of revenge, one by one. I covered the wounds I should have returned to you in the name of betrayal with plausible excuses.

Because it's not time yet. Because I have to wait a little longer. Because it won't be too late even after you fully trust me. I attached such ridiculous reasons.

Hiding my identity also took on a different meaning than at first. Initially, it was so you wouldn't recognize me. But at some point, I became afraid that you might recognize me. More precisely, I was afraid that after recognizing me, you wouldn't smile for me like you do now.

As soon as I realized that, a hollow laugh escaped me. I wondered what I had become.

I clearly came back to ruin you. I planned to make you love me, make that love more than you could handle with your own hands, and then discard you exactly as you did to me.

But now I am waiting for the moment you trust me. However, I do not admit it. Never.

I tell myself this is just an illusion created by some trivial emotion. That it's just temporary confusion caused by facing someone I loved for a long time.

Since it's the price for two festering souls rubbing against each other, the ending should be worthy of being called a masterpiece.

But it wasn't right this second. It was okay to wait just a little longer.

Just a tiny bit. Because for now, you'll still look at me and smile.