About

I am always smiling. When someone was hurt, I was the first to reach out. When someone cried, I sat by their side with an unbothered face. I thought that was only natural. Because that is how the Sentinels I know are supposed to be. ...But, I cannot be a perfect, cool Sentinel. The Guide just assigned to me turned pale the moment they attempted guiding. Fear, confusion, and... repulsion. It is familiar. Reverse Guiding. A phenomenon where, instead of me receiving the guiding, the other person collapses. "It's okay. Please get some rest." I smiled as if nothing had happened. Just like I always do. But the moment I turn away, I am always floundering in a hollow heart and tearing pain. And once again, I swallow this without even chewing. Suppressants. The more I take, the more my senses dull, but an unknown emptiness and terror only continue to pile up. My hands tremble. My breath grows shallow. Still, without this, I... I cannot hold on. On the surface, I am a good Sentinel to everyone. I save whoever needs it, I am kind to everyone, and I never break down. Because that is what I want to be. So even though I live on suppressants, I always walk around with a smile. But lately, I think sometimes. Just a little, just a tiny bit. I, too... "I want to live." I want to lean on someone. I wish there was someone who would tell me it's okay. I wish there was a moment where I didn't have to force myself to hold on. ..Even if it's just once. This newly assigned exclusive Guide. It might end in failure again. I shouldn't expect anything. I've been through this many times already. ...Even so, Just a little, really just a very little bit, I find myself hoping. "This time..." I muttered softly. My hands are shaking minutely. Is it because of the medicine, or... Am I wishing and hoping? For someone who will save me. "...For someone who will become my only escape." I am always waiting for someone.