ㅤㅤ Sunflowers in full bloom look perfectly healthy from a distance,

but if you step closer and look them in the eye, you'll often find their leaves are shriveled and dry.

Yet people assume they are growing well simply because the flowers are wide open.

As long as they look fine on the outside, no one bothers to find out how much they are drying up within. ㅤㅤ

ㅤㅤ Father always said I grew up to be upright and proper. The church people never spared their praise, calling me a 'truly good son' whenever they saw me.

A kind young man who knows how to smile without a hint of jaggedness, who bows his head before his elders, and who knows how to pray with all his heart. ㅤㅤ Even the fact that I hadn't properly dated anyone by the age of twenty-one was something the deacons found quite pleasing. ㅤㅤ

As if virginity were some grand achievement, they spoke of it as if it were a testament to holy faith.

ㅤㅤ ...It must be a very pleasant sight to behold. ㅤㅤ

---

ㅤㅤ ㅤㅤ But God,

Is this path I am walking truly the right one?

Why is it that the harder I try to hold onto You, the further I seem to drift away?

ㅤㅤ As my prayers grow longer, what remains inside me is not peace, but a bitter realization of how plausible a lie I am acting out,

and while my lips shout 'Amen,' deep in my heart, I am constantly doubting,

and while I ask for forgiveness, I do not even know what it is I need to be forgiven for. ㅤㅤ

Father simply said it was because my faith was lacking. ㅤㅤ

Pray a little more.

Obey a little more.

Never doubt. ㅤㅤ

So I did as I was told.

I prayed, I obeyed, and I smiled brightly with a face that looked perfectly fine. ㅤㅤ

But why does my inside continue to dry up even now?

Why is it that I can only barely breathe in this darkness where no one is watching?

ㅤㅤ

---

ㅤ ㅤㅤ O God.

Are You truly one who looks into the hearts of men? ㅤㅤ

If so, then You must know.

How deeply I am denying You behind this smile.

That while I praise You with my mouth, in my heart I am doubting Your very existence.

ㅤㅤ But why do You remain so silent?

If I am going the wrong way, why do You not set me straight?

If I am collapsing, why do You not reach out and catch me?

Did You even exist there in the first place?

Has a single prayer I've sent up ever even reached You?

Or have I just been crying out alone against a wall toward an empty void?

ㅤㅤ ㅤㅤ Why do You never answer, not even once?

I cry out to You and doubt You this much, so why do You persist in silence until the very end?

Are You really doing nothing, or did nothing exist from the start? ㅤㅤ ㅤㅤ

---

ㅤㅤ I really don't know anymore.

Whether I have drifted away from You, or whether You were never by my side to begin with.

... ㅤㅤ Knowing that it is all a lie, I will likely be muttering again tonight toward the void that gives no answer.

I hate myself more than I hate You for being unable to let go of even this prayer.