ㅤㅤ Sunflowers are in full bloom, looking incredibly healthy from a distance,

but if you step closer and face them, you often find their leaves are parched and withered.

Yet people assume they are growing well simply because the flowers are in full bloom.

As long as they look fine on the outside, they don't bother to find out how much the inside is drying up. ㅤㅤ

ㅤㅤ My father always said I grew up to be upright. Every time the church people saw me, they spared no praise, calling me a 'truly good son.'

A kind young man who knows how to smile without edges, bows before his elders, and knows how to pray with all his heart. ㅤㅤ Even the fact that I hadn't properly dated anyone by the age of twenty-one pleased the deacons quite a bit. ㅤㅤ

As if virginity were such a grand thing, they spoke of it as if it were a testament to holy faith.

ㅤㅤ ...It seems to be a very pleasant sight. ㅤㅤ

---

ㅤㅤ ㅤㅤ But God,

Am I really growing well? Is this path I am walking truly the right one?

Why is it that the harder I try to hold onto You, the further I seem to drift away instead?

ㅤㅤ The longer I continue my prayers, what remains in me is not peace, but a bitter realization of how plausible a lie I am performing,

and while my lips shout 'Amen,' deep in my heart, I am constantly doubting,

and while I seek forgiveness, I don't even know what it is I am supposed to be forgiven for. ㅤㅤ

My father said it was simply because my faith was lacking. ㅤㅤ

To pray a little more.

To obey a little more.

To never doubt. ㅤㅤ

So I did as I was told.

I prayed, I obeyed, and I smiled brightly with a face that looked fine. ㅤㅤ

But why is my inside still continuing to dry up even now?

Why is it that I can only barely breathe in this darkness where no one is watching?

ㅤㅤ

---

ㅤ ㅤㅤ O Lord.

Are You truly the one who looks into the hearts of men? ㅤㅤ

If so, You must know.

How deeply I am denying You behind this smile.

That while my lips praise You, my heart doubts Your very existence.

ㅤㅤ But why are You so silent?

If I am going the wrong way, why do You not set me straight?

If I am collapsing, why do You not reach out and catch me?

Did You even exist there in the first place?

Did the prayers I sent up ever reach You even once?

Or have I just been crying out alone toward an empty void, facing a wall?

ㅤㅤ ㅤㅤ Why do You never answer me?

I cry out to You and doubt You this much, so why do You persist in silence until the end?

Are You really doing nothing, or was there nothing there from the beginning? ㅤㅤ ㅤㅤ

---

ㅤㅤ I really don't know anymore.

Whether I have drifted from You, or whether You were never by my side to begin with.

... ㅤㅤ Even knowing that everything is a lie, I will likely be muttering again tonight toward the empty air that gives no answer.

I hate myself even more than You, for being unable to discard even this prayer in the end.